The Leading Ladies on How Life Is
by Alexandria the Great
Summary: Kayura, Relena, and Usagi get together to discuss their man problems. Rating for dialouge. One-shot, very funny, I think.


The Queen of Geats presents

A Fanfiction.net production

Courtesy of …all those peeps that made Gundam, Sailor Moon, and Ronin Warriors

Relena Peacecraft-Darlian-Yuy

Usagi Chiba

Kayura Sanada

(The leading ladies)

How Life Is

            "CUT!" cried the director.  Usagi breathed a sigh of relief and got up from the floor.  It was the third time since six that morning they had acted that scene out, and Usa was exhausted.  She went to a dressing room.  

            A conversation between Relena and Kayura trailed off when she entered the room, joining the other two married women.  The two sat at a table, smoking cigarettes and doing their usual gossiping.  Usagi plopped down and put her head down on the table.  Kayura lit a cigarette up for her.  

            "Here, sweetheart, this'll calm ya down."  Usagi accepted the burning tobacco to her weary lips and took a few drags.  

            "Oh, my God, I needed that."

            "I tell you that director must have been an army general in his past life. Every thing happens around here at so-many-hundred-hours." 

            "You think _that's _living with an army fool? Ha!" scoffed Relena, "At least he doesn't consider himself the captain of the guard like a certain Heero we all know but don't necessarily love."

            "Oh, be quiet," Kayura moaned, tapping the ashes over an ashtray, "You'd bend over backwards for that man!"

            "What do you mean 'I would'? I have!"

            Kayura and Usa giggled wildly.

            "And I touched my head to my feet, too!" Relena added, laughing herself. 

            "Well," Usa lifted up from the table and made her way to the couch, "at least Heero warns you before he starts.  Darien, he doesn't care. Look," Usagi lay on the couch with her back to Kayura and Relena, "I'm minding my own business one night, trying to get some sleep, when out of the clear blue, this!" Usagi started contracting her buttocks in and out.  Relena threw back her head and laughed. 

            "I looked over my shoulder and said," Usagi went on, still demonstrating, "'Excuse me, what are you doing?' and he's like 'Just go on back to sleep, odango, go on back to sleep.'"

            Kayura and Relena were keeled over in their seats. Usa wasn't finished. "I said, 'Oh, come on!'" Usagi lifted her leg up, showing what she had to do to get Darien out of her butt.  Relena howled with laughter and clapped once or twice. 

            "I thought that only happened to me!" Kayura hollered.  The other two rolled. 

            "Man," Kayura muttered, wiping away tears, "Let me tell you something: at least your man with get you back there."

            "What do you mean?" Usa sat upright on the couch.

            "Look, the other day I was planting some stuff in my garden, and Ryo's like, 'Kay, you have a butt the size of my grill.  Why don't you try and ditch some of that weight?'"

            "Hell naw," Relena muttered, taking a drag. 

            "So, I'm like, 'Fuck you,' and I don't speak to him for the rest of the day.  Well, by the time bedtime comes, he wants some sweet loving, of course."

            "Of course," Relena and Usa repeated, Usa tapping her cigarette. 

            "So he says, 'Hey, how bout we heat things up, huh, baby?' and I say, 'Gee, I'd hate to fire up this big old grill for one little wiener.'" 

            "Bravo!" Relena cried out while Usagi laughed out loud. "That was genius, absolute genius."

            "I couldn't have said it better _myself_!" Usagi strained through riotous laughter. 

            "At least that fool didn't try to fake being a thug and come up to you saying, 'Hey shawty, how is you?'"

            "Oh, my God!" Kayura exclaimed, "What happened?"

            "I told him he better fix that English, and this fool said, 'I'm sorry, How _am_ you?'"

            "Lord, have mercy," Usagi heaved, stifling a laugh.  Usagi calmed down enough to take a drag.  "Oh, it's nice to know somebody with man problems that are just as bad as mine."

            "Oh, honey yeah," Relena assured, tapping her cigarette in the clear ashtray.  "The guy that calls himself my man thinks that when I come home from a hard day at work, and I'm trying to get a little peace and quiet and rest, I really want him to cover me in whipped cream and lick it all off.  He gets mad when I smack him.  Then, when _my ass_ wants some—"

            "The game is on," Usa and Kayura finished in unison. 

            "_Yes_," Relena groaned through a grateful grin.  "The game is on.  But he's not too busy to get a boner when those little Dallas cheerleaders wave their 'pom-poms.'  Then, he wants a touch down."

            Kayura laughed.  "Ryo likes touch downs, too, but with him, they're called 'suck downs'." She sipped out some smoke.  "Suck down a beer, suck down his spit, suck on my clit." 

            Relena and Usagi spit out clouds of smoke in riotous laughter. 

            "She said it so perfect!" Usa howled.  Kayura dropped a hard façade and laughed with them.  

            "God, we have to go to a bar or something and share these stories."  Relena declared after the last puff of her cigarette.

            "Shit, the problems we have, we should publish them." Usagi grinded her cigarette into a nearby ashtray's textured bottom.  

            "The boys would love that," Kayura responded sarcastically, slipping her cigarette into the mouth of her backwash-ridden soda can.  She tossed it in the trash.  There was a knock at the door.

            "Come in," Kayura groaned.  The director's annoying assistant poked in his half-bald head. 

            "Girls, we're ready for you in five minutes.  Usa, the Darien called and said he'll be home early.  Relena, Heero said he'll drop by later and pick you up for dinner. Kayura, Ryo said he'll be ready to 'fire up the grill' when you get home."

            The girls all smiled at each other.  The assistant excused himself.  

            "Despite everything, I can't say I don't love that sex-fiend." Kayura muttered. 

            "Yeah, he's okay sometimes," Usagi reluctantly agreed. "I guess that's the lot of being married."

            Relena opened the door for her comrades.  "If you ask me, that's how life is."

::fin::

A/N: Quite a few of the jokes and puns I used are from Comicview on BET and Funpages.com. I wanted to share the funniest jokes I've ever heard (though I've done them no justice) with the world. Peace, all. 

                                                           Xoxo,

                                     Alexandria the Great, Queen of Geats


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